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love is so short, and forgetting so long
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[21 Apr 2009|08:18pm] |
I think someone has broken in over the easter and is living in josh's room. :/
i'm going to wait for tom to get home and storm the place. either this or make tom peek through the door!
i've got to creep down the alleyway,
fly down the highway,
before they come to catch me i'll be gone,
somewhere
somewhere
they can't find me!
reading immortality by milan kundera, whenever I used to read him I used to feel like running away and living alone seperate from people I knew in other towns, now I don't feel like that, but I do want to know what they upstairs are thinking, if they are hiding out and away from people, why and how they feel.
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[13 Jan 2009|03:05pm] |
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achey in legs specifs |
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music |
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animal collective new album amazing! |
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just got back from hamburg! been up since 5:30 travelling, so i'm bodyshop-almonded up and ready for a nap. this break has been interesting because its the first time in ages Ive been purposely sleep deprived and happy in a long time, since synergy times, and Berni, Hannah and Kat are so happily geeky and un-self-conscious that I feel more relaxed that I might normally be in the complex web of gossipy who's who that Ive been used to in London pre 2009 post 2006.. IF I was sleep deprived, I mean. but maybe generally too, now I consider it. But it was lovely, bowls of coffee, odd tiled cafe bars with curtains, hanging off balconys, philosophy students, black and white photobooths! sort of like what I imagine 60s paris to be, even had anarchist strongholds and restaurants where you wash up your own dishes when you've finished!
I didn't want to come to London that much when I left Sheffield, but now the idea of going makes me feel homesick. I like my housemates, tom josh and Kate, I like what they have to say and cooking with them and laughing at and dissecting whats on television, but their fun isn't mine, and James is torn. He doesn't do as many drugs as he used to its a lot lot better than at first. He says if I want him to give up ketamine he will do it but I want him to want to do it, himself, and he just doesn't, he wants me, thats why he will. This is better than everything I own! Love. That a person will do something against their individual freedom and choice for my company. I need to treasure that more, but this crisis I don't know how to solve, we just have to trust that we will figure a way. I'm spoilt I think, must stop being dramatic and be grateful! we have 900 dead in Palestine, and I am worrying about...
(Puchada)
The night before last I had a dream that Mimikae from the orphanage called out my name, and I was so touched she remembered it that I woke myself up crying a little bit. Its because baandada sent out a newsletter and they've changed the names of two of the kids, Puchada and Mimikae to Walhawut and Malai?!?!. Its thrown me off, a bit, maybe i'm jealous.
I need to get off the internet, the longer I stay on the more change I will get on the guardian and bushisms.
besssos
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[14 Oct 2008|12:00pm] |
I miss the karen children so much, I love their freedom, they didn't even know they were orphans.
The ones that had been there for a year or so were like whatshername in The Book of Laughter and Forgetting by Milan Kundera, they became one of eachother and forgot their parents, forgot that they cared, forgot they were not normal. The new ones cried and couldn't be comforted though, not even crayons could save them tears, but after 3 weeks they came to me for cuts from climbing free trees, but they didn;t listen to your cautions about climbing the thorn trees, they didn't get that parental role. I miss that because their morality was so simple, here its so complicated, its the reason I've lost a bit of faith in people I respected and loved and still love is because they act like shits to eachother and the people they love. whats love got to do got to do got to do with it?!
love is funny here in sheffield but its also sometimes tragic. a gram of ketamine for James a night, 3 nights a week. he says, it makes me happy, I say, what am I for then? I went away for the weekend to Manchester, he didn't eat anything from lunch on saturday till monday morning breakfast. he txted me "I LOVE YOU", but I find out he was on 3 pills I delete the txt because it doesnt feel genuine anymore. I dont mind if he does it once a week, but I'm trying to adjust to a new life, i'm trying to make friends (luckily ive made a few goodones), be independent, start university, find a soft spot, and I can't do it when I don't feel relaxed with him grabbing at the air and I can't relate to him when I don't know what him or any of my equally deluded housemates are thinking. I dont understand how james of all people having worked with such poor people in thailand can spend so much on drink and drugs. sometimes just sitting with them makes me sad.
Sometimes we have such fun days, last week we spent all thursday tickling eachother and fighting with hands and our tummies hurt from laughing, and we're such strange ones, I dont think i could find anyone so strange to be with, we push the limits so much with eachother, last week we were arguing over something small like who will take the keys or what time we should go to the cinema and we spat in eachothers faces, it was so disgusting that it was so funny. we have no boundaries in that way.
but he picks it over me. But, he picks himself over me, his own fun, and thats not unusual, thats what everyone would do. its not what I would do, though. I asked him for a few weeks, 3 weeks, of one gram a week. 3 weeks of just a little bit of forgetting, not half a week of zombie james. but its too hard for him, I know he feels like i'm standing on his free will. but thats love?
lots of 3's in this entry.
i can;t wait to see my mum.
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[11 Sep 2008|12:38pm] |
I wrote this when I got back from thailand.
"I've been time lagging it since Bangkok and Istanbul, been pottering since 4am, in Cider with Rosie which I read at the orphanage the old women all wake up at 3 or 4am and go to sleep in the afternoon, and now waking up early i'm going to try and get up at 5ish at this twilight time and do more things because this sort of time is quiet (and not at all similar to going to bed at 3am when everything is quiet too, its better now) and Anoushou my house rabbit is awake jumping on the sofa and running in circles in a love dance around my legs he's so happy someone is awake at his time of day." I was on my way to going on a rant, but luckily I was too tired.
AND now i'm off again, moving house to the cold friendly north, with all my pots and pans, plants, dresses, recipe books, shuttlecocks and all this stuff on this list here i've written this morning. I have an achitechture tree that I bought at LCC in the art shop sitting in front of me, in my fridge there's a photo on a roll of scarlett with it growing out of her face, undeveloped, maybe today I'll get all my films developed that are keeping fresh in my fridge, if I get them developed when I'm in sheffield I'll be nostalgic for the summer and the friends and the whole last year. i'm not TRYING to start a fresh this year. but theres fresh film so what of it?
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[08 Jun 2008|11:08am] |
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I'm going to Thailand in 3 weeks now, working with Burmese refugees which is make or break for me really, then I get home, fly to menorca, say goodbye to my bed and make a new one in Sheffield.
Reading a long line of (brilliant) screaming society attack books is making it rather hard for me to do anything at the moment! Yesterday I went to brick lane, every comment I made about the stores I felt like a fraud. I felt like a tourist visiting this strange tribe of crazies. I ended up buying a disgusting 60s long arm & foot length nighty just because I wanted to keep this piece of history where people thought bright pink was sexy and childlike, its amazing really. I'm finding it hard to take fashion and people seriously, I'm finding it hard to take money seriously but I won't spend any because I feel like its so weighted with value simultaneously. In Beyond Retro I sat waiting for El outside the changing room and thought how much I should and shouldn't buy this nighty, I have enough clothes,, I just wanted it because it held some sort of strange societal value that I thought was worth holding on to just because its so interesting, its something people will forget. Really why anything costs anything, why we need things drives me mad because I'm always on both sides, I didnt need this nighty, I know that values change, so why did I need to pay to keep that value? I didnt! But I did! Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like this, but most of the time I'm so glad I do, we can't live stagnantly like this with so many people who have nothing.
So basically this is something like my brain that the moment. I think if I didn't have James to talk to I'd be incredibly lonely in my thoughts because we really really talk and understand each other. A few of my friends are going through breakups at the moment, it makes you reflect, because I can't imagine my life without him, maybe that is a bad thing, but it certainly doesn't feel like it.
xo
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[05 Mar 2008|11:58am] |
John Mccains wife, a lemon in meringue yellow on the news right now. She looks so funny. It's weird the way that in the american elections the hopeful presidents have their partners with them, and hilary has her daughters with her, sometimes. The wives are just necessary to show they have hearts I suppose.
I'm getting more and more feminist as the weeks of this year go on sometimes I do shock myself with spoutings of rape statistics and holes the be violated on the top shelf of our newsagents, and the talks I have with my friends shock me more, embarassed reactions from my male ones and from the girls its just "oh but its natural that men want sex more than we do" ie 230 uk rapes daily? let them have their fun. why is it perfectly normal that men buy and sell women on the streets, that half naked women are splayed across magazines without personalities without histories? And women are distracted with fashion, fashion aimed at attracting men or "feeling good", good enough to what? ah my lamp just broke! anyway, its driving me mad. they must have clear skin, pretend they have no hair when clearly we all know we do, and long legs through uncomfortable heels.
and this is all meant to make us feel good, and it does, I feel good sometimes, which I hate!! I don't want to attract someone that likes me for the way I look only, does anyone? So why! I dont know, i'm asking myself this, and I dont know. I dont shave my armpits anymore, and I havent for months now, why the fuck should I? but I think that if I didnt have a boyfriend perhaps even me with all this writing above would still pretend i'm completely...
ridiculous.
I went to the best park last week, the wild deer licked my hands!
apart from this, I may after my degree learn to become a Steiner school teacher. or porn star, dunno.
I miss things, i'm already missing cassia and jen and they've not gone in to the void yet, but when they're gone really I have very few friends here, none I can call up for a chat at least. ug.
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[22 Jan 2008|05:22pm] |
IIIIIIIiii, am not feeling very happy this week. I want to be able to enjoy the space between seeing james but I'd rather speak to strangers than aquaintences and almost everyone I know is an aquaintence.
I need something to do, but I want to do it for reasons other than the fact that I'm bored here without him.
Sometimes it annoys me that when I really want something even though its just in me I just can't do it and its my fault, a fault to myself I suppose.
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[04 Jan 2008|10:46pm] |
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joanna newsom three little babies |
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I've tried to write here at least once a week since October, but every time my happy tears get in the way, or even better animal collective comes on my shuffle and i'm actually a puddle haha, well the phone just rang and so I've my practical head on, maybe we will make this entry through(!).
I really like saying happy new year to people in the street, though I'm a bit wary of speaking to strangers at the moment because of befriended sad lonely boarderline creepy friend Dave, but enough of that.
One of the more minuete reasons I'm happy to know james is that I can be as mad and hideous as I like in public and I dont care, because I know he doesn't, and he is the only reason I do anything really. We quite often jump and squeal and dance in all sorts of disabled type ways, not even semi-cool ways, in daylight in conservative barnes, especially in conservative barnes, its so fun, and I dont know if anyone else I know would do that in a completely genuine way. genuine to express themselves i mean. genuine to express complete lack of interest in the opinion of others, (and a love for me.)
"cute dog over the road"
mum says from the next room.
I go to my window.
"oh yeah, nice chouminou."
Random observations of late -
A guide dog doing a poo. This made me think a lot actually.
A woman in a club and me were talking about the smell of places now there is a smoking ban in London and she said "yes, and even groin smell sometimes".
A disgusting african (dont know where abouts) woman with big fat and crusty EXPOSED feet (2 degrees, hello?) on the bus telling me to cover my mouth when I yawn.
thankyou and goodnight.
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[02 Oct 2007|11:28pm] |
New school year, new schoo. I barely have time to sit and look now at things, except in the cafeteria where I can't stop, these people must turn up in my dreams as strangers there are thousands of them, it makes me feel more familiar and comfortable when I recognise a stranger in the corridor from another corridor or room or queue, otherwise I feel rather like an ant.
my second day. camera lucida, vanilla latte, history of art with bauhaus and basquit. burma burma is burrrrning and nobody wants to talk about it. nothing new, lots of new.
conversation when I wake up with james, sweet dreams before bed, it's not enough really but.. but what. sometimes I feel like its none of my buisness, strange I know to feel like I can't comment on one of (if not the) biggest things in my life. I haven't cried for a long long time. joanna newsom was absolutely fantastic but the tears then were happy ones for monkey and bear and the hand in my hand :)
here are quotes from my quote book i've heard around.
" 'man this', 'man that', like you're man "
(girl to sister at bus stop)
"No I don't, I sound like an angel rubbing a dog"
james after I say he sounds like a monster when he eats.
"I really like _______
Nobody seems to like ______
But I really like _______"
lotte, I don't remember the blanks but I like the way she said it.
"got a nice bit of scampi and chips and vegetables for dinner tonight"
"do you put it in the microwave?"
"no (shocked at self), cook it in the oven, do it proper and that I"
very camp man to woman on bus.
i'm needing meat (i'm vegan) and I can smell it everywhere, my period is a week early and strange, i've drunk two litres of water today. I feel halved. or one and a half. please no.
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[10 Sep 2007|11:09am] |
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Henry from Ugly Betty. aahhhhhhh.
I got on to the course I first wanted to get on to (for months they've been saying I don't exist...) manic months have passed since then but we're back with camera and new pencil case. James going away is not so much of a huge issue because I know now I'm not going to be sitting at home for a year wondering when and what and why, yes, mainly why, but no soon i'm going to freshers week and meeting people and learning, LEARNING, most of all. I love him, but that's why I must be strong.
It was my birthday yesterday! I rented a little private cinema and we watched eddie izzard.
I got lots of lovely body stuff, money, cakes, teacups and tea, flowers, tickets to Joanna Newsom, my favourite.
( mas fotografia )
lots more on flickr, just click a picture.
So, more optimism than last time, though I did cry while M.I.A was on stage last friday, though that is laughable at least.
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| impatience |
[31 Jul 2007|06:29pm] |
I want to know what's going to happen this time next month, which way we're heading, will it be together, in parallel? will my tears be kissed away again, salty and blessed? It is a blessing to feel love like this that moves you like that, but whenever I start thinking about being alone next year I feel the heat behind my eyes and nope it don't feel good, but I suppose it is still worth it. Yeahh it's definitely worth it.
and I'm vegan now, for the record.
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[25 Jun 2007|11:10am] |
these are reasons that i've cried that I remember in the last month.
tom got taken away by social services on hollyoaks.
the man at the ticket office was rude to me.
around three times because I miss my grandad.
when my grandma was talking about something.. i dont remember what, probably her youth.
because liam was crying in bigbrother.
because james is going away, about four times.
because i'm happy, about five times.
just general death thoughts, twice.
thinking about the future.
imagining how happy jonathan would be if he was the godfather of my child, haha.
and I actually almost cried the other day thinking about how many times i've cried.
advert breaks. that golden rainstorm would blatently quite hurt.
I do actually really want the "massive rnb" cd mix advertised every three seconds ironically the more I hear it. it's not really important nor ironic enough to deserve that ironic tag but hey, its raining and i'm rambling and this revision is rr... wrong.
I might try for a job in the tate modern, the employees there always look content.
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[11 Jun 2007|10:22pm] |
I know what i'm going to do tomorrow,
I'm going to go swimming!!!
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[11 Jun 2007|06:01pm] |
I dont know maybe its not freedom that I feel. Freedom is very difficult to define but there is a feeling of... feeling like you can do anything (humanly, haha) except I'm not actually doing anything... all i do is sit around at home. I need to do things, okay, tomorrow is my day of change, I'm going to wake up at eight and do two hours revision (for comfort) then go... somewhere. I might walk to the river if i;m feeling adventurous, i keep dreaming of the thames.
Sometimes I get vague nausea when I'm around too many people or if I have nothing to concentrate on everything looks alien, but that does feel oddly free, because i'm the only person at that moment who notices the vanity of my life, even though that oppressive vanity is the opposite of freedom. If you realise it is oppressive and vain then you are freeing yourself from the matrix feeling. Except, then I just live it every other second, even when I am talking about the nausea.
I start to feel like I am in a cardboard world, and everything is slightly smaller or bigger than it should be, that's how it begins, but then it gradually becomes worse. The man and the chair become the same thing, a peice of wax with a hole in is humming, it is a person breathing through his mouth, its mouth. my mind goes blank, everything is strange, it lasts for a few minutes. but i've only gotten that three times in the last few months, probably since october, it's the acid thats done it I think now, my brain is damaged. When I'm in very crowded places everyones voices become one huge repetitive voice, but even though its repetetive every note is different, i've gotten that for about a year. noise is actually a bigger thing for me to process than sight is. I've probably had that around 6 times.
I don't think reading Le Nausee has affected the frequency, its helped me to feel less unusual and normalised it, talking about it all the time, its better for me now. I don't like existentialism it makes me feel dead but some things i think you should read about to confront, even if you don't believe.
If james ends up staying in London next year we'll probably get a studio together, it feels like the most normal thing in the world. I will miss mum so much, but hopefully we won't be faraway, I even quite fancy living in brixton, and the rent is cheap.
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[10 Jun 2007|06:11pm] |
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none, or other |
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ineffable feeling.
I am really structurally a mess, but I feel mostly alive. and dare I say it, free.
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[28 May 2007|10:13am] |
I dreamed that quite a lot of my friends were a day at the most away from dying from anthrax, and we were trapped in one of those blindly bright tube stations (it was brixton, sometimes balham), and I was trying to organise everyone with pufferjackets to keep us warm (?) and all everyone was saying to me was -
What are we going to do on the weekend?
what is everyone going to do on the weekend?
I must have something to do on the weekend.
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[20 May 2007|12:59pm] |
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and then we go downstairs, sit naked in the orange kitchen light, and share a tangerine.
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[17 May 2007|02:15pm] |
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I fucking hate politics. I need to do something about it, and I need to make my mum happy again, I hope its not me that has made her like this, i've not done anything that she could be really proud of but nothing she would be upset with either, I need to do something and make everyone proud, I need to do something! something thats not for myself. oh my god I hate politics so much today. I think i'm displacing a lot of my feelings, what is that freudian word, not projecting, is it. no, it is displacement. I dont even believe in freud. cup of tea. xxxx
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[08 Apr 2007|01:09am] |
I can't think of many things I would change at the moment.. apart from I'd like to be able to explain with more eloquence and for people to understand my feelings and the way I act. I think I understand them, well, I do.. and I'm glad I'm over the mix and rush of realisation, confusion and discovery of last year, it leaves me with this year streched out in front (infront?) of me hopefully weirdness free, hopefully, hopefully.. No, there are still things,
infact hopefully there;ll always be things to learn and discover, odd things to ponder,
maybe too I'd like to explore the way I act in more depth,
but for now i think it's alright. i've felt it a while, its okay.
jonathan was talking about feeling completely yourself the other day, he said it happens when you're around 30, he basically said that (what i just said) though in very complex terms and mentioned jung which i think he thought I would be too overwhelmed about to press him for details, and i love watching his face too much to ask, and ah how sweet he looked so I didn't ask him, I closed my eyes and the sun kissed my eyelids and i tried not to smile because it'd give me away.
It probably made more sense then I give it credit, i'm probably just simple.
xxxxxxxxxxx
maybe he knew what i was thinking. it seems too like the sort of thing he'd do to me.
I was going to go but I've changed my mind now, i want to talk more about peoples faces. i do like them. yeah, thats all. xoxooxxoxo spain for 10 days bye bye
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